Sometimes, I think it's pretty nice to just take a step back and appreciate the little poetic coincidences that life throws our way. Other times, I think that 'coincidences' and 'things falling into place' are just a function of how we choose to see things. Either way, I've been pleasantly surprised by myself over the past couple of weeks.
As March gave way to April, about the only things that were bothering me were work deadlines, travel plans, and the weekends being too short to accommodate all my plans.
Then came a recent Sunday night which was spent with friends and board games. On the drive home, I'm grilling Will for more details on his new girlfriend.
"While we're on the topic of exes, I have something to tell you," he says a little too quietly for comfort, like he's going to tell me something really important. (I swear the number of times his ex comes up when we talk is disturbing, even more so now that he's got a new girlfriend. But besides the point.) Knowing Will, I could almost tell that it was going to be about Voldermort (my ex = previously referred to by friends in conversation as Penny's [insert his stupidly common first name here] to avoid confusion with other friends with the same name = don't ever refer to him as that again, nor call him Penny's ex [insertstupidcommonfirstnamehere] = he who must not be named = Voldermort, get it?).
Also true to Will's nature, there's plenty of dramatic "I-don't-know-how-to-break-this-to-you" body language and "I-hate-to-tell-you-but..." pauses. Which triggers a big black hole to open up in my stomach, creating that sinking feeling that even my racing heart was getting sucked into.
"I saw him," Will finally says.
My mind is racing wild with thoughts. Saw him what? With that girl? Getting married? At the hospital waiting in front of a gynae's office? Winning a Nobel Peace Prize for his stupid work with big oil?
Strangely in my usually vivid imagination, I saw all these scenarios as words instead of actually picturing him.
"Uhh...and?"I asked in as controlled a manner as I possibly could.
"That's it. I just saw him. Like he's back in KL," oh now suddenly Will is in 'matter-of-fact' mode. I wanted to bitch slap him so hard he flies out of the car.
"That's it?!?!?! You just saw him?" I asked.
"Well yeah. I thought you said he's overseas or something. Well he's back."
Stupid moron. He's obviously been back, la, DUHHHHHH!!!!! He works here!
I filter that response down to a,"Oh, ceh, like that only is it? Meh.."
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| Image from: http://alltheragefaces.com/face/cat-meh-cat |
Last Sunday, I arrive back from my trip home for Qing Ming. Grateful to be back in my quiet and baby-free place, I settle down for some down time in front of my laptop. In my mailbox, the first e-mail waiting for me is one of those stupid Birthday Reminders which I never bothered to unsubscribe to. For whose birthday next Sunday am I being prompted to send an e-card and possibly purchase a gift for online, you ask?
Yep. Voldermort's.
Hmmm...that's strange. What's this feeling I'm having? Could it be? Where's the black hole? The racing heart? Why am I not debating with myself whether or not to wish him on his birthday?
Could this really be me not giving a shit?
As it turns out, yes! I slept like a baby that night. And over the following days, I waited for that feeling of uncertainty, the internal debate on whether or not I should contact him and by what means, the thoughts on whether or not that would be the beginning of another cycle of us starting over and trying yet again.
Pathetic, I know. But it's the kind of thing a younger, stupider and still in love with him me has done before in our past breakups.
Still nothing.
A couple of days later, over dinner with S, she asks all of us to keep the weekend free. G is coming down, and we're all celebrating her birthday.
Her birthday? Why, when is it?
Sunday.
Well how about that.
One of life's little poetic coincidences noted.