We're always trying to be something. Trying to be ourselves, trying to be a better version of ourselves, trying to be something we're not...whatever. Just trying to get somewhere. But sometimes, we don't really know where 'there' is and therefore don't even know we've gotten there. Or you know, there are loads of 'theres' (ie goals) you want to reach and don't really take into account the ones you've achieved.
You know those elegant women who always look so perfectly put together with awesome hair that always smells freshly washed and have perfumes that linger lightly without threatening to choke you? Best part is, the ones I admire and want to be like most do it so effortlessly like that's just them. I've always wanted to be something like that. Perhaps not that perfect..but definitely have that awesome shampoo & perfume combo.
My shampoo is just some regular shampoo that isn't too strong so I can wash it after lab almost every day. My perfumes are all presents. But yesterday my man said the sweetest thing - that I had that awesome shampoo and perfume combination. I know it's a biased opinion, and no it wasn't coerced. He just randomly mentioned it to me just before we went hiking.
Point is, you can't ever smell yourself (except when you stink, probably...even that it has to be really bad). It's nice to know that we're usually probably what closer to what we want to be than we think.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Weekend of ripping off plasters
You know how doing things like ripping of plasters (especially if you've got bodily hair) is usually best done quickly? I think I had several figurative ones ripped off this weekend.
First was lunch with my schoolmates. First I'd asked Min to pick me up. We were going to Kopi Cine (http://www.straitscollection.com.my/Restaurants.htm) and I didn't want the hassle of having to park really far away and walking over there alone. When she got to my house, I was a little startled to see another person already in the passenger seat. Nicole =.= And right there was my first fake plastered enthusiastic smile for the afternoon. You see there were two relationships that fell apart sometime between the time we were all in school and the time we all finished our pre-u courses and went off to uni. In the subsequent division of 'assets' that go with any breakup, I somehow ended up being closer friends with the guys instead of the girls who were my friends first. Nicole was one of those two girls. But lunch was a lot less uncomfortable than I'd expected. It was good to catch up and nice to hear that some of the most awful people I knew from back then aren't doing that great. *snigger*
I knew that that night, I was supposed to go out with my man and a bunch of his friends. He'd told me it was a farewell for one of his friends who was leaving to do her Masters. What I didn't realise until that afternoon was that it was going to be a BIG gathering. How big? Big enough that his ex from back in pre-u would be there. Urgh. I had a problem with her. Big time. I'd never met her. But I hated the fact that at the time, my man and I were already friends, and I wanted him, and her being one of those slutty, cunning mean girls who do the cute innocent act that men always seem blinded by (plus they were in school together and thus had more access to him) had gotten him first. I hate girls like that. While it's nice to know that he eventaully saw things clearly, I still have no respect for such girls. So yeah. I had to come face to face with her. That didn't go so bad either.
1. She sat super far away from me and seemed less happy to see me than I was to see her.
2. Everyone else was pretty nice and some were really supportive, making sure I felt welcomed.
3. Her bf was sitting there sulking most of the time. He didn't seem to make an effort to fit in with the rest. While this doesn't have anything to do with me, I like knowing that I'm behaving better.
4. Her bf is a doppelganger for my man. Eww. And I thought I was the one who had issues. Well, at first I did. Later I mentioned it to my man. Apparently some of their other friends have noticed, too. So nope, I'm not the crazy one.
Last but not least, I met his parents as his gf for the first time. Sure, they've met me before over the years that we've been friends. But as his gf? No. We were going hiking. They decided they wanted to come along and go for a walk while we hiked. It was a semi-uncomfortable 15 minute drive for me. I had no choice. As he put it "It's just like when I come in when your parents are around."
First was lunch with my schoolmates. First I'd asked Min to pick me up. We were going to Kopi Cine (http://www.straitscollection.com.my/Restaurants.htm) and I didn't want the hassle of having to park really far away and walking over there alone. When she got to my house, I was a little startled to see another person already in the passenger seat. Nicole =.= And right there was my first fake plastered enthusiastic smile for the afternoon. You see there were two relationships that fell apart sometime between the time we were all in school and the time we all finished our pre-u courses and went off to uni. In the subsequent division of 'assets' that go with any breakup, I somehow ended up being closer friends with the guys instead of the girls who were my friends first. Nicole was one of those two girls. But lunch was a lot less uncomfortable than I'd expected. It was good to catch up and nice to hear that some of the most awful people I knew from back then aren't doing that great. *snigger*
I knew that that night, I was supposed to go out with my man and a bunch of his friends. He'd told me it was a farewell for one of his friends who was leaving to do her Masters. What I didn't realise until that afternoon was that it was going to be a BIG gathering. How big? Big enough that his ex from back in pre-u would be there. Urgh. I had a problem with her. Big time. I'd never met her. But I hated the fact that at the time, my man and I were already friends, and I wanted him, and her being one of those slutty, cunning mean girls who do the cute innocent act that men always seem blinded by (plus they were in school together and thus had more access to him) had gotten him first. I hate girls like that. While it's nice to know that he eventaully saw things clearly, I still have no respect for such girls. So yeah. I had to come face to face with her. That didn't go so bad either.
1. She sat super far away from me and seemed less happy to see me than I was to see her.
2. Everyone else was pretty nice and some were really supportive, making sure I felt welcomed.
3. Her bf was sitting there sulking most of the time. He didn't seem to make an effort to fit in with the rest. While this doesn't have anything to do with me, I like knowing that I'm behaving better.
4. Her bf is a doppelganger for my man. Eww. And I thought I was the one who had issues. Well, at first I did. Later I mentioned it to my man. Apparently some of their other friends have noticed, too. So nope, I'm not the crazy one.
Last but not least, I met his parents as his gf for the first time. Sure, they've met me before over the years that we've been friends. But as his gf? No. We were going hiking. They decided they wanted to come along and go for a walk while we hiked. It was a semi-uncomfortable 15 minute drive for me. I had no choice. As he put it "It's just like when I come in when your parents are around."
Friday, September 10, 2010
remind me again?
When secondary school finally finished, I was so relieved to be finally rid of that school and social circle that I felt I never really fit in well with anyway. After that, I met the group of friends I really think I belong with and I've never had a doubt that keeping up with my friends from school was unnecessary. If anything, the few times I did meet up with them after that felt awkward and uncomfortable. I'd run out of things to say to them and many of them were still so close, most of the time the conversations were the middle of a story except that I hadn't been keeping up with them and therefore didn't know the beginning. I'd also usually be texting my new bff, telling her what an awful time I'm having. After awhile, I just kept making excuses not to meet up. Awhile after that, they stopped trying to call.
But then, there's always Facebook - the place where we 'keep in touch' with the people we see everyday and even those people we've probably only met once through a friend of a friend. Albums full of photos similar to those I have of me and them before I was 18 are up on Facebook with only one difference: I'm not in these newer photos. Oh yeah did I mention some of them put up our old photos, too. Except that I kept untagging them because the annoying updates that say 'so and so' (usually someome I'm not interested in knowing anymore) commented on a photo of you. Anyway, I occasionally get this odd feeling. Why on earth do all of them still get along so well? why don't I want to hang on to that large chunk of my past? I always feel this awkward in-between-ness when I think about it. On one hand I feel like I've been letting go and trying to forget a huge part of myself. After all, I've known most of these people longer than any of my other friends. But then again, I remember how it always felt to uncomfortable having to spend so much time and share so much with these people who were my friends only out of convenience. I never really understood or trusted them all that much.
To finally sort it out with myself once and for all, I finally decided to do something about it. There were those I knew I never wanted to see again, ever. And there were those who were okay. I decided I'd dip my toe into this pool and see if there was anything worth remembering or growing. At least, if not, I'd be reminded why I thought leaving them all behind was a good idea. And so, I'm going to lunch with them. I really hope it doesn't suck. At least I know the place we're having lunch at is pretty cool.
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